I am not a relationship expert. I am not Cupid. I don’t have a boyfriend (by choice). So before I get a butt-load of feminist hate-mail, let’s just get all that out of the way. I’m just a normal chick. Maybe slightly more observant (and sicker than) your average. This blog is entirely my opinion and is based solely on my observations.
1. Don’t be a simple bitch. There is more to life than having the newest Juicy Couture bag that you like, totally just bought at Bloomies for like, $7,000. I get it. I’m a girl. I too love buying expensive shit that I don’t need and can’t afford. You know who doesn’t get it? Your boyfriend. And he doesn’t care. He also doesn’t care about Keeping Up With the Kardashians, your kale cleanse, or that bitch you can’t stand. Keep that shit to yourself or save it for girl’s night out.
2. Get a hobby. You need to have a life. Your world cannot completely center around your man, even if you want it too. It’s not a good look, for anyone. If all you do is sit around waiting for him to come home, troll his Facebook wall posts from 2006 (The fuck is Nikki??”), and send him heart emojis all day – STOP. Re-evaluate. Get a life. Nobody likes a clinger. You need your own friends, your own passions, and your own shit to do. I don’t care if you hula hoop or go learn Korean, but just go do it. It will only make you more interesting, a more well-rounded person, and give you something actually cool to talk to your man about. (Unlike that simple bitch shit, mentioned above).
3. Be a porn star in bed. Very simple and pretty self-explanatory. It doesn’t matter how pretty you are or how pretty you think you are. Do not just lay there. Guys hate that shit. It’s boring and they have to do all the work and that’s not fair. It should be a team effort and it should be FUN. And blowjobs? No, they are not optional. Giving a blowjob is pretty much equivalent to getting a root canal. It’s terrible. Still, you should not be too much of a princess to get on your knees and give your man the knob-slob of his life. Don’t want to? “Eww it’s icky?” K. Don’t. But I guarantee there is some thirsty ass bitch around the corner who will. Up to you. And don’t half-ass it either. If you’re gonna do it, do it right. This is the man you love. Put a little effort into it and take some pride in your work.
5. Be yourself. You’re not going to get anywhere pretending to be something that you’re not. Don’t alter your entire persona so that you can fit into a guy’s lifestyle. If it’s not clicking when you are truly being who you are, then it isn’t meant to be. Move on. Also, don’t try too hard to be “one of the guys.” You wanna be the cool, laidback, fun girlfriend that all his friends are jealous of, but don’t take it too far. If you don’t like football and beer, that’s okay. You don’t have to have every single thing in common. And don’t buy a pink jersey either. That’s fuckin annoying.
6. Remember that you do not need him. You don’t. Seriously. A friend once said to me: “Love is not about need. You don’t need anyone. Love is having the ability to stand on your own, but the desire to stand together.” That quote is incredibly true. You’re not going to die without him and if you know this, then you’ll be a more confident, likeable person and he’s less likely to get sick of you. Desperation is not cute. Don’t be so available that he walks all over you and gets bored. (This also goes back to having your own life). If he decides, for whatever reason, that it isn’t working out, then hang that shit up. You do not call, text, stalk, hide in his bushes, sniff his old tee-shirts, post emo statuses that are obviously directed at him, etc. All that does is make it worse and make you look crazy and pathetic to everyone around you and also to future, potential boy-toys. Plenty more dick in the sea.
Done. For more life advice, please refer to my spirit animal’s blog: Tucker Max.